The 10 Biggest Mistakes I Made About Confidence

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Have you ever listened to someone talk about confidence and thought – well it’s OK for them, they have it sorted?
I used to, especially when I first started investing in and focusing on developing myself.
And it is easy to do when the person doing the teaching seems to have it altogether.

That’s why I share my background and the depths to which I sunk before I started learning the truth about confidence.
I think it is important for you to know that whilst I understand authentic confidence now, I never used to.
And I believe that it is important for you to know that I don’t just write, talk and coach on this topic, I LIVE IT too!

Any mistake I can learn from I treat as helpful Click To Tweet

But I have made some mistakes along the way.

Any mistake I can learn from I treat as helpful. And if sharing them helps you to avoid the same pitfalls, then that’s an added bonus!

In today’s blog, I want to share with you some of the biggest mistakes I made about confidence.

 

THE BIGGEST MISTAKES I MADE ABOUT CONFIDENCE:

1. Faking it!

I faked that I was confident. I faked that I knew what I was talking about. I faked that I ‘looked good’ by learning to cover up. In fact, I learnt the art of faking at a young age.
It took a great deal of energy but I knew no other way.
I described it as blagging or winging it, pretending or acting as if. But it was all I knew. (And as I now realise, it’s what so many others are doing too)
Although faking it can help you through each day, in the long-term, you’ll find you are putting on more and more masks. You’ll use up more and more energy keeping the masks in place. It is exhausting!
Let go of the masks. Stop faking and start embracing who you are!

Faking confidence drains your energy. Authentic confidence nurtures it Click To Tweet

 

2. Comparing myself to others

Pretty much always unfavourably!
Most of the time, in my comparisons with others, I saw myself as less educated, less wealthy, more unfit, more unhealthy, less knowledge about…. everything!

Comparison kills confidence.

Be you. Learn to harness your true gifts and strength.
Then you get to celebrate who you are… and others as they are. You realise there is no point in comparing yourself any more. After all, what are you comparing? Has anyone else lived your life? It’s like comparing oranges and apples. Appreciate the differences.

 

3. Believing the “never enough” story

Never doing enough, having enough, being enough.
I am never enough and never will be.
This lack of enough-ness permeates so many areas of our lives. It’s not always easy to see but we can never know our worth or fully appreciate our lives until we realise that enough IS enough!
You ARE enough.

 

4. Believing that my thoughts were true

I believed that all my thoughts were true.
Cast in stone.
This is who I am and that is that.
Nothing could change.
This is the deck of cards that I have been dealt and I just needed to learn to live with it.
The liberation came when I realised that I had once believed in Santa with true conviction and that changed. So too can any thoughts or beliefs about yourself!
Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.

 

5. Having to be right!

Oh my… this was a biggie… AND I had no idea I was doing it or the impact it was having on my self-confidence.
I had to be right…ALL – THE – TIME!
I had to get everything right or at least look/sound like I was getting it right.
I could not be wrong or get it wrong…that was too big and risky!
So I would defend my views until the bitter end (even if I know in my heart I was wrong).
I would defend my actions and desperately come up with all sorts of justifications and reasons/excuses to cover up any ‘wrongs’ so that I could feel right.
I would even blame others and the world at large.
Once I realised the self destructive nature of this behaviour, I was able to free myself from the hold it had on my life. Now I allow myself to be wrong, with total confidence.

Allow yourself to be wrong with total confidence Click To Tweet

 

6. Blaming others for how I felt about me

In the movie Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts’ character says “You get told things often enough, you believe them”. I blamed others for how I felt about my body and my life, because I had heard it ‘often enough’ and so I believed it. And then I blamed the external world for my lack of self-confidence.
Others had knocked my confidence or created my confidence crisis.
But by blaming others and circumstances I was disempowering myself.
The moment that I took responsibility for how I felt, my self-confidence changed… AND my life changed.

 

7. Believing that confidence was transient

I used to say that I had lost my confidence in certain situations.
And it did feel as if I had lost it.
However, there is now more and more evidence showing that we are born with confidence genes and as we grow and develop, it is our thoughts and beliefs blocking us from accessing it.
Hence why I felt as if confidence was there one minute and gone the next.
My own thoughts were blocking my confidence.
Confidence is always there, we just need to learn how to access it.

 

8. Focusing on what could go wrong

I used to be the kind of person that focussed on what I couldn’t do and all the reasons why.
And yet I wanted things to be different.
I wanted to feel different. Yet I was not taking control of where my attention was going.
When I looked for things to go wrong, then they often would… and that would be collected as more evidence that things do go wrong. A vicious circle!
When I started to take control and look for what could go right or even seek out possibilities, guess what?…Things did start to go right.
And when I put my attention on things going well, I had a new source of evidence to inspire and uplift me.

Look for the good in life rather than what's wrong. Whichever way you look, you'll get to be right. Click To Tweet

 

9. Attaching my confidence to outcomes/results

In the past, I based my level of confidence on what I had or didn’t have in my life;
what my bank balance was,
what number was on the scales or what size jeans I had to buy,
whether I was single or in a relationship,
whether I had been recognised or acknowledged at work.
I know, through coaching others, that I am not the only one who does this.
It caught me up in the ‘when I have ‘X’ then I will feel confident’ trap.
Constantly striving to have external things that would validate me internally.
I know from my own experience that that is just not a helpful or healthy way of living. So I let go of the need for external validation.
By understanding that your confidence is not linked to what you have or don’t have, you can access it with much more frequency.

 

10. Thinking “nothing will change”

When I started my journey, I’d thought that how I experienced confidence (or not!) was how it would always be for me and my life.
Nothing was going to change.
And, of course, with thinking like that, I was going to be right.
But I couldn’t think my way out of my thinking. I was too entrenched.
I was caught in a loop of thinking that nothing will change, repeating the same thoughts and therefore, reaffirming that things were never going to change.
If I wanted things to be different, I had to hit pause and I had to ask for help.
I started with self-help books initially, then webinars and finally I attended live courses.
Having an outside perspective challenged my thinking and reflected my beliefs back to me. For the first time, I could see how my thinking was impacting my confidence.
Asking for help made the difference.
I used to believe that asking for help made me weak, now I know that it is one of the greatest strengths in life… a strength that needs to be nurtured and cultivated if we want to change our thoughts and our lives.

Asking for help is a sign of strength Click To Tweet

 

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
Are you ready to develop authentic self-confidence? Are you tired of making your own confidence ‘mistakes’? If so, why not consider my 1-1 coaching? Visit the website or get in touch to discover more about working together.

 

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